I feel so down and low
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I don’t even know where to start with compartmentalising what the fuck is happening, whenever your gone I want you here. whenever your here I want you gone. you complicate and construe everything good in my life but at the same time gets me so happy. your a toxic piece of my life because you leave me with so many questions. I’ve told you what I want. you told me what you want, but to you the idea of ‘us’ doesn’t feel right. for whatever fuckkng reason that is, for me it makes no sense. for me this is like tangled earphones, something that is easy to fix, but hard to understand how it got that way. yes I’m deep. I don’t see why if two people like eachother they can’t be together, why do we have to take into account all the things that could go wrong, all the casualties, why can’t we just go and sit through a boring movie and cuddle, or go and stuff our faces somewhere. why does everything have to be so serious and drawn out? why do the right things have to make you feel wrong. why is that after those two nights all you can think of me as is a physical object, why can’t you see I have a heart. I’ve done such a good job in hiding that organ from you, I made you believe it waseny part of me, when you said “I loved you” I realized what a mistake I made. I shouldn’t be hiding from you, instead i now have my heart on my sleeve, for you. I let you know I have secretly liked you. a lot too. but I don’t really think you can understand. I’ve spent nights upset because of you, and woken up the next day to huge apologies leaving me smiling. do you understand what you make me feel is real? the smile on my face is real. the feelings are real. and so Everytime I confess that I have those feelings, that I have a heart for you, you always have something to say and you seem to never want to be with me, you always make it seem like I’m too much for you. if I am just fuck off, If I’m too much stop leading me on because the last half of a fucking year I have felt on a roller coaster with you. the kind I never dared to go on as a child, maybe there’s a reason there are age limits for rollercoasters, you can’t really handle it when your young. and maybe that’s the whole problem maybe we aren’t mature and we are too young for the roller coaster. maybe we aren’t good at all. maybe if I showed you this I grew some balls because I promise this is the last time you’ll hear of my heart. this is the last time I’m going to wear my heart on my sleeve for you. this is the last time I’ll attempt the roller coaster. friends is what this will be, we can go to the children’s section of the amusement park and ride the small roller coaster with no lifts and drops, or crazy turns. no risks will be taken, because too many have been taken already and no results have been found, friends.